Recently I had a chat with a friend.
We talked about our drive to optimise: our diet, appearance, career, spirituality… and often our relationships too.
As women we’re so used to juggling a million things that self-improvement becomes second nature.
However, as wonderful as self-development is, it can become problematic – when we burn out and when we push men away by constantly wanting to optimise them as well.
Why this backfires in dating
Men don’t respond like women when they get judged and criticised. Instead of being spurred into action, they shut down, feel undervalued and build up resentment.
When we show up with a long mental checklist, scanning from the first moment for everything that’s wrong, what happens is:
- We reject men too quickly because no-one matches the ideal.
- We treat men like projects, not partners.
It’s a bit ironic, isn’t it? We say we want unconditional love – while mentally cataloguing a man’s flaws from the moment we lay eyes on him: clothes, hairline, hobbies, height, income, manners… the list goes on and on.
Men are not like us
We often forget that men don’t think, bond or date like women.
Yet we treat our female way of doing things as the gold standard and expect men to get with the programme.
Most men approach relationships differently from women. If a woman is kind, fun to be with, sexually compatible and broadly aligned in life goals, they’re usually willing to see where things go.
But here’s more irony: it’s the other men, those who are picky and hard to get, that a lot of women focus on and compete for – while the committed, emotionally available guys often don’t get a chance, not even for one date. They get filtered out in the very early stages: not tall enough, not enough hair, not enough interest in culture, not exciting enough.
Those men are what Lori Gottlieb describes as frog princes in her book Marry Him, The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough: no instantly wow effect, but genuinely good partners that you can love and have a great life with – if you take time to get to know them and allow them to grow on you.
Remember: many happy couples say they were not instantly smitten.
Their love grew through shared experiences – Gottlieb describes many such stories in her book.
“Are you asking me to settle?”
No, I’m not. Settling means accepting an unfulfilling relationship. That’s not what this is about.
What I am asking is this:
Are all of your standards truly essential and non-negotiable – or are there preferences in there that eliminate men you could be happy with?
A lot of women say “I’m simply not attracted to men who are shorter than me.”
This is common example of a preference blocking potential matches.
We present something as an absolute truth, but we base our evidence solely on the past. What about the shorter men we haven’t met? What if we were curious and open instead of looking through a narrowly defined lens, weeding out men until none are left?
What we know from data: height is a preference that has zero correlation with the ability to bond, be compatible or share love.
When you fall for someone, it is hopefully because of their inner values, kindness and integrity – not their appearance.
Spontaneous attraction often fizzles out and leaves us with regrets. Real love that can grow and last is about the essence of a person – which takes time to uncover and appreciate.
So beware: when preferences sneak into your dating filter, you might unintentionally exclude many possible matches.
Ditch your optimiser checklist
If you’re stuck in dating, take a close look at your standards.
Stop filtering so hard that no-one gets through.
Get curious. Let yourself be surprised.
If there are no major red flags (addiction, criminal behaviour, severe instability), go on dates.
Use the 3-value rule (from Evan, Gottlieb’s dating coach in Marry Him); choose only three values that truly matter. For example:
- Is he respectful?
- Is he generous?
- Does he live locally or would he relocate?
Your list might look different – but keep it short.
Stop deselecting men based on preferences. We all need to compromise in relationships – that’s not settling, it’s real life.
If we want someone to love our quirks and imperfections, we need to be equally open and gracious with them.
(I say this with a lot of empathy – I used to be distracted by preferences and chemistry, too.)
Really? Only 3 must-haves?
It’s true, most people have more than 3 non-negotiables (usually between 6-10). Getting clear on them is very important – but having all of them met only matters when you decide to start a relationship.
For deciding who to meet for a first date, it’s more important to keep and open mind and to get started using your limited 3-point checklist.
Your next steps
If you like a non-nonsense, practical view of dating that actually helps you meet men who are right for you, I recommend:
- the book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb (linked in recommended resources)
- the replay of my latest webinar: How to filter to find lasting love (also under recommended resources)
And if you’re wondering what values you should include on your 3-point checklist for first dates:
👉 Book your free call and let’s make sure you have the clarity you need – and that no distracting preferences sneak in.