In today’s world, a common dating trap is trying to choose our life partner all by ourselves. As independence and autonomy have become increasingly important values in the Western world, more and more singles are falling into this “loner trap“. Even more so when it comes to choosing a partner: many of us feel this is a deeply personal choice, one that should not be influenced by others and we believe we know best who is right for us.
In recent decades, we have become more self-reliant and who we settle down with is less impacted by economic factors or family pressure. While we have gained more freedom of choice, this freedom hasn’t helped our ability to pick a compatible long-term partner.
Instead, we see rising divorce rates, mid-life singlehood and unplanned childlessness. Suicide and depression rates are climbing as well. As a result of more freedom we are struggling with more individual responsibility, less orientation and loneliness.
The illusion of "I know who's right for me"
With the rise of dating apps, we have been led to believe that picking a partner can be as quick and easy as picking our lunch from a take-out menu. We swipe, we see an attractive profile, we send a message, we meet and we’ve found our person for life.
What this process doesn’t take into account: with the amount of dating profiles to choose from, it’s easy to lose sight of what really matters for a lasting, committed relationship. We get distracted by superficialities, by looks and by the sheer amount of options. Imagine you had to choose a dish from a menu that spans 1000 items – you’d give up or pick the next best one – whatever, it’s just food. But your life partner?
How do we assess if someone matches our core values and deepest needs by swiping through endless options… What should we look for? Where should we draw a line? Where should we go deeper? Doing all of this by ourselves, it’s hard to focus on what truly matters. Not least because we tend to have blind spots regarding our own weaknesses, which makes it difficult to identify the qualities in a partner that would complement and balance us.
Misjudging compatibility
We often prioritise similarities that have little impact on the success of a long-term relationship – and we overlook the significance of core values and qualities.
We say we want someone to travel with, someone who enjoys the theatre and going for walks. But then we meet someone with the same interests and we’re still not a great match. Why?
We often don’t understand how the way we live our lives reflects our values. While we like to believe we know ourselves and act in our own best interest, we often don’t. We might say that we value family and that we would love to spend more time with our parents or siblings… But we don’t because we’re too busy working.
Often we need an outside observer to challenge us and tell us about sides we don’t see or understand about ourselves.
The role of our social network
Our social networks can greatly support our dating efforts – but they can also hold us back. Rather than seeking constructive support, we often use our friends and family to vent about exes, failed dates, and the terrible state of modern dating. Instead of getting positive inspiration and constructive feedback we end up in a cycle of negativity and cynicism.
Online networking often makes this worse, as it tends to be superficial, discouraging real vulnerability and an exploration of our true fears and needs.
Embracing support and vulnerability
One crucial step on the journey to Conscious Dating is learning to open up. This means letting people know us better, sharing our goal of finding a life partner, and seeking support from the right crowd. It requires courage to invite loved ones to help scout, sort, and screen potential partners, and to be receptive to their insights and concerns.
This process can be uncomfortable, as it often involves confronting hard truths about ourselves and our choices. However, this openness can significantly increase our chances of finding a compatible partner who aligns with our core values and long-term goals – and the support network we build in dating will keep giving us value once we are coupled up.
Join our support community for dating
Creating a successful, lasting relationship doesn’t happen in isolation. Like the famous therapist Esther Perel says, it takes a village to keep a relationship strong and healthy – because one person can’t meet all our needs all the time.
If you want to become part of a community of women who want to have open and honest conversations, reflect and support each other as they’re figuring out mid-life dating and relationships – join us in the membership. I’d love to see you inside Conscious Dating & Relating!