We all want to be seen and appreciated – it’s a universal human need. It’s that sweet feeling of being noticed for who we are, of someone recognising and appreciating us while also accepting our flaws and quirks.
But not all attention is equal, and not all of it is good for us.
While the right kind of attention makes us feel valued, seen and secure, the wrong kind leaves us feeling disconnected, insecure or manipulated. This might happen when a man is more interested in sex than commitment, they want to take advantage of us in some other way or they are drawn to us because of their own unhealed wounds.
If our goal is a lasting, meaningful relationship – built on trust, mutual support, and shared values – it’s essential to learn how to distinguish between the right kind of attention and the kind that will waste our time or cause heartache.
Start with yourself: Where is your desire for attention coming from?
The first step in this journey is self-reflection.
Where does your need for attention come from? Are you seeking the connection and companionship that we all naturally need and want, or is there a void you’re trying to fill?
When we carry unhealed wounds – feeling invisible, unimportant, unworthy, or unloved – we can become like sponges, soaking up admiration and flattery from the wrong people.
In such cases, we often turn off our intuition, accepting attention even when there are red flags. We may allow others to push us beyond our boundaries or tolerate behaviour that doesn’t align with our values, all in the pursuit of being seen and loved.
I’ve been there myself, and it’s a tough realization.
Embracing your values: The path to true love
It wasn’t until I took a step back and asked myself: “What kind of love am I really seeking?” that I realized the answer: “The kind that is unconditional”. But how do you get there after decades of self-doubt and relationship struggles?
It took time, but I learned that I needed to be true to myself and more selective about the men I let in.
I understood that I had to change – and that change only happens through actions. I needed to ACT like I deserve unconditional love. I needed to stand up for myself, my non-negotiables and my values.
No more settling for surface-level connections and false intimacy, even if it meant rearranging my life and losing people along the way.
It took me some time to figure out what boundaries I needed to put in place, and then I had to practise honouring those boundaries: being more disciplined and living by my top values. No more Tinder dates with guys who were obviously not serious, no more smiling through 3-hour dates that I knew after 20 minutes would not have a follow-up.
And then something interesting happened: as I was sending clearer messages and making healthier choices for myself, men started to be more serious in their intentions and clearer in their actions towards me. Men who only “some fun” disappeared, and those who respected my priorities and genuinely wanted to get to know me asked me out again.
The takeaway: Stand firm and attract the right kind of love
At the end of the day, the journey to finding a meaningful, lasting relationship always goes through changing the relationship with ourselves.
Once we protect our heart and values with clarity and courage, dating becomes easy and we can focus on the joy of connecting.
Not sure how to get there?
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