When we want a relationship, it’s very tempting to jump straight into dating, hoping that this time the spark will lead somewhere real. I used to do exactly that – and I learned the hard way that chemistry without discernment can come at a high emotional cost.
Before I met my husband, I had a Tinder experience that taught me just how important it is to balance openness with boundaries and clarity.
When sparks fly… are we meant to be?
Let’s call him Jeremy.
We matched on Tinder and, unlike many others, he reached out immediately. He suggested a phone call early on, and before I knew it, we were speaking for nearly an hour every day.
The conversations were easy and engaging. He was intelligent, funny, attentive. I felt seen and heard – something I was longing for. Those calls became the highlight of my day, a powerful emotional connection and a welcome escape from everyday responsibilities: work, parenting, household chores.
What I didn’t realise at the time was that intensity isn’t the same as intimacy. And that feeling “chosen” isn’t the same as choosing each other with our eyes wide open.
The signs I didn't recognise
For a few weeks, everything felt effortless. But looking back, there were warning signs I didn’t register because I hadn’t learned to filter for healthy connection that is built to last.
Here are some of the red flags I missed:
- Too much, too soon.
Long daily calls, constant messaging, compliments and emotional closeness from the start. - Speaking poorly about other women.
He mentioned matches with other women in a negative, dismissive way. - Sexual topics introduced early.
He started digging for intimate details within a couple of days. - Victim mentality.
He frequently mentioned health issues, bad luck and how life was unfair to him. - Probing questions about money.
Asked casually, under the guise of “getting to know each other”.
At the time, none of this felt alarming. The connection felt special – and my nervous system was used to interpreting intensity as excitement.
Why I didn’t see it sooner
I believed that moving fast meant compatibility. That strong feelings were a sign of bonding. What I didn’t know was how to test for emotional availability, integrity, and long-term readiness – and I didn’t want to slow things down because I feared I’d lose the connection.
I was longing for love, and I didn’t yet understand how that longing shaped my choices.
When reality caught up
After five weeks of phone calls, Jeremy flew to Warsaw. We’d never even had a video call. I had created a perfect fantasy and was convinced I was about to meet my future partner – until I saw him in person.
He looked very different from his photos, and something felt off immediately. As we spent time together, the truth became obvious: Jeremy wasn’t looking for a relationship. He was looking for financial support for ongoing health issues.
What I thought was a love story existed largely in my head. Once the fog lifted, the shock hit me hard – but it also helped me see more clearly.
A painful lesson with sobering effects
I could have become cynical or closed off. Instead, I chose to learn.
With coaching support, I began to understand my patterns, recognise red flags earlier and practise dating from a calmer, more grounded place. Over time, I stopped being drawn to emotionally unavailable men and became attracted to something very different: steadiness, kindness, and consistency.
When I met my husband, it wasn’t his seductive charm that stood out. It was his integrity, reliability and transparency. No love bombing. No pressure or manipulation. Just calm safety – and because I had changed, that was what I was most attracted to.
What filtering is really about
Filtering isn’t about being suspicious or emotionally closed. It’s about self-respect.
It’s the ability to stay open to connection while staying anchored in yourself. To enjoy dating without losing perspective. To recognise who is aligned and who isn’t, without drama or self-doubt.
If you tend to mistake intensity for compatibility or struggle to see clearly early on, this pattern can be changed. Dating doesn’t have to be an exhausting rollercoaster.
To support you, strengthen you and keep you focused on what matters to you, my practical guide Dating Decisions Made Easy helps you balance your heart and your head so you can date with more confidence and far less emotional cost.
Or feel free to reach out via the form below; I’m happy to help you get clearer.