Some women feel stuck in a very frustrating place: the men they are attracted to are not relationship material. There might be a lot of chemistry and very exciting moments, but this never leads to a stable, committed relationship that feels safe and reassuring.
On the other hand, the men who are kind, reliable and present from the beginning – they feel boring.
It can seem like your mind and emotions are working against you, like you’re doomed to stay attracted to a certain type of man who is incapable of giving you what you really want.
There is a reason why the pull you’re feeling towards such men is so strong – and why it feels almost impossible to break the cycle (it is possible – don’t lose hope!).
As scientist and author Liat Yakir explained during the Power of Love Summit, our biology of love and attachment is more complex than we tend to believe, and understanding it can finally help you change your love life.
We don't have one "love system" - we have three
1. Chemistry – driven by testosterone and oestrogen. Fast, instinctive, focused on attraction. Its biological goal is procreation, not compatibility.
2. Infatuation – driven by dopamine and adrenaline. The butterflies, the high, the obsessing. Exciting – but not designed to last.
3. Long-term attachment – driven by oxytocin and vasopressin, the bonding hormones. Calm, safe, warm. This is where real love grows.
What makes this so important: these three systems can be activated completely independently of each other.
You can feel intense chemistry with someone who is completely wrong for you. You can feel deep attachment with someone who didn’t give you instant butterflies.
As Yakir points out: Chemistry is an invitation – not a destination.
Why calm can feel boring
In our modern world, we’re constantly flooded with dopamine – social media, coffee, alcohol, a fast pace with constant input… Over time this changes what we experience as rewarding. Calm, safe, slower connecting starts to feel boring. Like something is missing. Like he’s nice but there’s no spark.
What’s also fuelling us a lot in the modern world is cortisol – the stress hormone. The news is feeding us drama, negativity and fear-inducing headlines, AI is threatening jobs, wars are raging and affecting us globally… The problem is, cortisol is the direct enemy of oxytocin, the attachment hormone. So the more stressed we are, the more our attachment system switches off. We become more reactive, more suspicious, quicker to fight or pull away – even with people who are good for us and mean well.
All of this means that even when a good, long-term match shows up – warm, consistent, genuinely interested – we might not be ready. We might be too tense, anxious and wired – which repels someone who is calm and stable. We’re functioning on different frequencies.
Notice the signals your body sends
Yakir suggests paying attention to where you feel things physically:
Infatuation lives in your chest and gut – that intense, almost anxious pull. Your mind is active, wondering, obsessing.
Attachment feels different; it’s quieter, calmer. Your mind can rest. You feel at ease rather than on edge.
Learning to tell the difference takes practice. But it starts with noticing.
Have the difficult conversations
One more thing from her presentation that I want to pass on: real, lasting attachment requires the ability to have difficult conversations and repair after conflict. Instead of going through the first phase of getting to know someone with rose-coloured glasses and hoping for the best: ask the hard questions. Say what you really need – instead of suppressing or sugarcoating it. And then calmly figure things out – or find out that you’re not compatible and move on.
So if you’ve met someone and you’d like more contact – bring it up. If you’ve noticed inconsistencies or something that bothered you – say so. How he responds to that conversation tells you far more than the butterflies on a romantic date.
Addressing what matters – calmly, constructively – is one of the hardest skills in dating. And one of the most important – because it allows you to build real attachment.
Give yourself compassion
Whatever you’re feeling makes sense from the point of view of your biology. You’re not broken. You’re not too sensitive or too demanding or too much.
You’re human – wired for survival and trying to function in a modern world that challenges us in many ways.
The good news: once you choose to become aware and learn, you can change the way you live, attach and love.
Are you ready for your love life to change?
If you want help shifting your attraction patterns from emotional rollercoasters with unavailable men to stable and secure connecting with a partner for life: you don’t have to do this alone.
Join us in the Conscious Dating & Relating membership, where you find professional guidance, practical tools and weekly check-in calls to support you with your experiences in real time.