When we were discussing the effort and time involved in dating, a client recently shared: “I don’t want him to travel much more than I do… I don’t want to be a diva. Things should be equal.”
This raises the question: what does equality really mean in modern dating? If, for example, you live in an area that’s not well connected, should you always be the one to put up with considerable travel? Or is it reasonable to ask someone to meet halfway, or even come to you? It depends.
Redefining equality in modern relationships
In today’s dating world, we rely less on traditional gender roles, which means much of a relationship needs to be negotiated. What makes one couple feel balanced may seem unfair or one-sided to another.
For instance, dividing household chores 100% equally sounds ideal in theory, but how does that mean in practice? If your partner hates taking out the rubbish but happily does three other chores to compensate, you might choose an arrangement that’s not equal on paper but that works for both of you.
Similarly, in dating, “equality” doesn’t always mean splitting every effort down the middle. What matters more – especially for a woman in the early stages of getting to know someone – is seeing a man invest effort which shows that he’s genuinely interested. Whether it’s travelling to meet you, picking up the bill, or planning the date, the right man will demonstrate commitment.
Why asking for what you want changes everything
My own dating life transformed when I stopped making it easy for men and started clearly expressing my needs. In the past, when I was trying not to rock the boat, I kept attracting men who wanted an easy life – fun without commitment, no interest in a woman who is “difficult” (i.e. who has needs and boundaries).
Thanks to coaching support, I learned to show up in a way that felt good to me and that the right men responded to. Like most women, I love to feel cherished and pursued, while men typically want to prove themselves to a woman they care about.
When arranging my first proper date with my husband, I told him that I would like to be picked up from my district. He didn’t have a car, but he took a taxi to make it happen. He later said my request threw him for a second, but he loved that I was clear about what I wanted, and he gladly took on the challenge. And I felt really special because he was willing to make this kind of effort for me (and not just once).
Embrace differences without losing yourself
Equality is important, but so is embracing differences. Men and women are biologically different and have their individual needs, experiences, and expectations. If you do it with respect and integrity, expressing what you need doesn’t make you demanding; it helps both of you see if you truly connect.
Many women communicate indirectly through hints or innuendos, hoping a man will intuit their needs. But men respond best to clarity. A direct, respectful request allows them to show interest and take meaningful action.
Take control of your dating life
The more you know your dating principles and how to stand up for them, the easier dating becomes.
If you’re not sure what requests to make of a man you’ve just met, how to communicate your needs and how to strike the right tone that men respect and respond to: get in touch using the form below and let’s start a conversation.
Dating and relationship skills are learnable – and it takes practice and patience to get them right!