After working with me, strengthening herself, and learning how to filter for true connection, J. started a relationship a couple of months later. Now, after one year, she says: “We’re in love and planning our life together.”
I remember it well. She wanted a partner who is loving, supportive, and attentive, for a relationship built on mutual care and commitment. Not one-sided, transactional, or superficial; not just being someone’s housekeeper, cook, or entertainer.
But the question is: how do you find out if a man truly wants what you want ?
The problem: moving too fast and missing red flags
Imagine Suzy connects with Jim on an app. She likes his looks and notices a few shared interests, which makes her eager to get to know him. She sends long, enthusiastic messages, and when they meet, she feels an instant connection. Time flies as they talk, and she shares personal stories – past breakups, fears, vulnerabilities. Jim listens and is understanding, and it feels only natural to share a kiss at the end.
For the next date, Jim invites Suzy to his place, offering to cook for her. The chemistry is strong, and one thing leads to another. Suzy gets intimate with him sooner than she normally would because everything feels so special. But then, his messages become less frequent, and eventually, he disappears. Suzy is devastated – how could he go from hot to cold so fast?
Why we miss what matters in dating
I’m sharing this example because I know what it’s like to get carried away and “follow your heart.” I know the heartbreak of the emotional rollercoaster when it comes crashing down. The reason? I confused the strong feelings I had with love and connection. I had such a strong desire for intimacy and closeness that I wasn’t able to balance my head and my heart.
If you can relate to Suzy’s experience, make sure you avoid the following:
Getting too excited too early
When we don’t know someone, they’re a stranger, and it is important (and safer) to stay calm and clear-headed in the discovery phase. Slowing things down and keeping our emotions in check does not take away the miraculous feeling of a deep connection when it happens, but it allows us to create the conditions for a lasting, sustainable relationship (with plenty of happiness and excitement down the line).
Oversharing too soon
Vulnerability is beautiful, but when we open up too fast, we give someone the power to hurt us before we even know if they deserve our trust – and then we regret it later.
Taking the lead without checking for reciprocity
If we’re the ones driving the conversation, planning dates, and keeping things going, how do we know if a man is truly interested? Those doubts can linger long into the relationship.
The consequences of rushing
You might feel like Jim is the most amazing man you’ve ever met, but if that’s the case – and he is a good match for you – he will still be amazing on your 10th date. No need to rush, because when we rush, we make mistakes. For example:
- We create a distorted perception of reality (seeing things through rose-colored glasses).
- We rush intimacy (making it harder to stay clear-headed).
- We suffer from permanent insecurity (by pushing things forward, we set ourselves up as the one who drives the relationship, and then we keep wondering, “How much is he really into me?”).
The solution: Slow Dating
Finding a true partner requires slowing down and observing. Giving him space to reveal his interest, his character, his intentions. In practice, this means:
1. Reciprocity from the start
Dating should feel like a dance, not a solo performance. Is the man you’re interested in someone with partner potential? Pay attention right from the first interaction:
- Send one signal, then pause. At a party, you can make eye contact and smile – then wait. Does he smile back? Does he make a move? If not, you might say hi, but then step back and see if he engages.
- Pay attention to the flow of the conversation. Are you the only one asking questions? Is he genuinely curious about you? If you stop steering the conversation, does he pick it up?
- Avoid planning everything. Let him suggest a date. Let him initiate the next step. If he doesn’t, it’s something to be curious about. Is he shy and needs a nudge – or is he simply not that into you? (Side note: If he’s shy, is that okay for you? Is someone who is shy compatible with you, or are you looking for confidence and the ability to risk rejection?)
2. The mindset shift: let him show his interest
Personally, I got to the point where I was tired of doing all the work in dating – making things easy for men, or as my coaches called it, “twisting myself into a pretzel.” It didn’t feel good, and I was always wondering how invested a guy actually was. It fuelled my insecurities and anxiety.
So I stopped. I decided that if a man wanted to get to know me, he would show me, and it would give me the opportunity to see if he cared enough to make an effort. (Fun fact: When we arranged our first date, I told my husband I wanted to be picked up, and since he was new in town and had no car, he got a taxi to give me a lift to the café he’d picked. I was impressed – and he was happy because I made a clear request that he was able to meet.)
It takes two to tango. Why should one person do all the work?
What's your next step?
If you’re struggling to find a partner who is all in, you might be sending the wrong signals or you could be missing red flags.
If you’d like guidance to uncover blind spots, have support through dating struggles and meet your person faster, join the Conscious Dating & Relating membership I offer. In a private community of like-minded women you’ll get support and tools that help you decide when to slow down, when to commit or when to end a connection altogether.
A longer version of this article has been published in the online magazine Women Flourish: Slow Dating – The Secret to Lasting Love