There’s a pattern that shows up for a lot of women: giving too much, too soon. Losing themselves when they like someone.
But there’s another pattern that’s just as common, but it gets talked about less.
When I spoke about losing myself with men on social media recently, a woman commented: “That’s not my issue at all. I cancel them all.”
It stopped me in my tracks. Because she’s right – and she’s not alone.
What this might look like for you
On the surface, it can show up in different ways:
- You rarely find anyone attractive enough to want to date them.
- When you do see someone you like, you let the moment pass and miss the chance to connect.
- You’re quick to see the negatives in someone and talk yourself out of pursuing things before you’ve really had a chance to get to know them.
If any of this sounds familiar, let’s take a look at what might be going on underneath.
What might be happening
There are several possible reasons – and they’re not always obvious.
You’re not meeting enough people. Dating, at its core, is a numbers game. Attraction, chemistry and genuine compatibility require volume to find. If you rarely go on dates, it can easily feel like no-one is right for you. The problem may not be the people – it may be the quantity.
You’re waiting for knowing instead of exploring. Your bar for accepting a date is too high: you want to feel that you can see this man as your partner before you say yes to a first date – instead of keeping an open mind and giving a connection the chance to develop. You focus too much on what you can spot on the surface – rather than deeper qualities that take time to discover.
You’re meeting people in the wrong settings. Context matters enormously. The environments we put ourselves in shape who we encounter and how we show up. Choose settings where chances are high that you share interests and ideally also values with the other people there, and make sure you also find opportunities to connect with other singles. Dating apps, matchmakers – there are ways to connect with those who are also looking for love.
Your signals aren’t landing the way you think they are. Research by Vanessa Van Edwards on what she calls the Signal Amplification Bias reveals something striking: we consistently overestimate how obvious our interest is to others. Most people assume it takes around 3–5 signals to make their attraction clear. In reality, it takes closer to 29 signals in 10 minutes to prompt someone to approach. We think we’re being obvious. We’re not.
You’re not having enough embodied experiences. This one is perhaps the most overlooked. As relationship therapist Esther Perel puts it: “Attraction is an embodied experience.” In a world where more and more of our social lives happen through screens, we lose touch – quite literally – with the physical, sensory experience of being around people. Attraction isn’t just a thought. It’s a felt sense. And that sense needs real-world stimulation to wake up.
What might be going on under the surface
Sometimes the reasons above are the whole story. More dates, better environments, more practice – and things start to shift.
But sometimes the practical explanations alone are not where the solution lies.
If you find that you consistently disqualify people before giving them a real chance, it’s worth asking: are you being careful and smart – or are you afraid to go deep?
Fear of vulnerability isn’t always obvious. It can look like high standards. It can look like “being realistic”. It can look like “I just haven’t met anyone worth my time.” It can feel completely rational from the inside – because the ego is very good at finding reasons to stay in a place that feels familiar and safe.
For some women, there’s an unconscious logic running in the background: if I never really open up, I can never really get hurt. Keeping distance feels like being in control. But over time, it becomes its own kind of loneliness.
The pattern isn’t a character flaw. It’s a protection strategy that made sense at some point.
What helps
Whether you’ve simply become rusty or fear is the deeper block, the way forward is the same: practise connecting.
Not necessarily romantically. Just humanly. Dating fluency, like any skill, develops through experience. The more time you spend around people – picking up signals, sending them back, noticing what you feel in your body – the more naturally it all starts to flow.
If fear is part of what’s keeping you back, start small. A conversation with a stranger, a new social event, letting someone see a little more of you than usual. Be a little more spontaneous. Hold eye contact for a second longer. Small acts of openness, repeated over time, gradually rebuild trust – in other people and in yourself.
Real change doesn’t happen in one brave leap. It happens in small, consistent steps towards letting people in.
A note on both ends of the spectrum
Something interesting to notice when it comes to losing oneself vs being too guarded: the two aren’t always as opposite as they might seem.
For some women, both happen – even at the same time. When, deep down, there is a fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt, it can feel safer to disqualify those who could be a date – or to get involved only with men who are unavailable. And yet, when someone finally does break through, all the guards come down at once, no holding back.
Whether you recognise yourself at the “rushing in” end of the spectrum, the “keeping distance” end, or somewhere in the complicated middle – the path forward is the same: raising awareness, and gradually learning to balance head and heart.
Not perfectly and not all at once. But step by step, with practice and support, new patterns become possible.
If you struggle to signal your interest or seize the moment when you like someone, you might find a resource I recently created helpful: How to progress things after connecting – with practical scripts and tips for exactly those situations.
It’s available inside the Conscious Dating & Relating membership. Why not join us for one month and try it out?
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👉 Join us here.