I’ve been having physiotherapy for my shoulders lately. It’s not a new problem – it goes back to my teenage years, and things have flared up again recently after a period of being manageable.
My physio has given me exercises to do at home. And I know they help.
The problem? Now that the acute pain is gone, I’m not consistent. Some days I do them – others I don’t.
This got me thinking about discipline. About the gap between knowing what’s good for us and actually doing it. Because we all have that gap somewhere. We know what we should eat, how much we should sleep, what conversations we should have. And yet.
The same pattern shows up in dating
When I think back to my younger self, my standards were always clear in theory. He must be honest. He must have integrity. He must show genuine, mutual interest. He must respect and care for me.
And then, in practice? I let things slide. I accepted lame excuses. I stayed too long with men who made empty promises and showed little initiative. I knew what a healthy, well-aligned relationship required – and I didn’t follow through on my own standards. Can you relate?
We’re wired to look for the easier, more comfortable path. We’re guided by our feelings and wants in the here and now. We block out the price we’ll pay later. We get distracted. We tell ourselves we’ll do better tomorrow.
The question is: why do we follow through on some things – and not others?
Why I learned discipline in dating - but neglect my shoulders
As I was wondering about this, here’s what I realised:
1. Pain
Pain is a powerful motivator – when it’s present and acute. My shoulders are always tight and knotty, but most of the time I’m not in pain. So I underestimate the problem and let the exercises slide.
The void of not having a loving partner, however? That pain was present, and it was strong. And it motivated me to do the work, even when it was tough and I didn’t feel like it.
Ask yourself: How much does being single actually hurt – and what comes up when you’re letting yourself feel that honestly?
2. Visualising the future based on the past
When I imagine my shoulder situation in five years, I assume it will stay more or less the same – manageable most of the time. So the urgency to change feels low.
But when I looked at my love life and imagined repeating the past – the same patterns, the same men, the same loneliness – I wanted a different future with every fibre of my being. I was not willing to repeat it. And I was determined not to let my son grow up with poor relationship modelling.
Ask yourself: If nothing changes, what does your love life look like in three to five years? Is that acceptable to you?
3. Visualising the benefits of reaching your goal
Looser shoulders sound nice in theory. But what would actually be different in my life? I struggle to visualise a big difference.
A mutual, loving, supportive relationship on the other hand… I was fantasising about that. I was dreaming about the love, the affection, the support and the feeling of being chosen.
I wanted all of it, and the pull of this vision was stronger than any other goal I had.
Ask yourself: What would a truly aligned relationship give you – and how much do you want it?
A gentle reminder
If you’re struggling with dating discipline (following through on your own standards, staying consistent in your approach, doing the inner work even when it’s uncomfortable) – I get it. I’ve been there.
We can’t invest equally in everything. But when you give your true feelings space to come up, you might find more motivation (or pain) than you’d been aware of.
And if you’d like to make staying on track to your love goal easier: you can get support and inspiration in the Conscious Dating & Relating membership thanks to practical tools, regular reflection prompts, and a community of like-minded women
Why not join us for just one month to see if it changes something for you – cancel any time.