For a long time, I was really frustrated that men just didn’t seem to appreciate me. I was doing my best to be a good person, to be friendly, fun to be with, easy-going, understanding, an attentive listener…
But men didn’t want to commit to me.
Something was off. But what was it?
When being nice hurts us
To make it short and simple: it was being too nice.
As girls we are raised to smile, show empathy and cooperate. Due to our hormonal make-up and genetics, we are also frequently agreeable by nature.
Our agreeableness serves us (and other people) in settings where nurturing, soothing and diplomacy are required; giving comfort, bonding through emotion and listening is where women often shine.
What gets us into trouble is being nice in situations when it’s not useful: when we need to protect our needs, our interests and our vulnerability.
We suffer when we’re not able to say no – clearly and firmly. When we don’t stand up for ourselves, we let ourselves down. We lose self-respect and we stop trusting ourselves. And we keep letting the wrong people come close.
How being too nice impacts men
People pleasing doesn’t just undermine the relationship with ourselves – it also makes it impossible to bond in a healthy way romantically.
Being too nice is never helpful – but being too nice to a man is particularly counterproductive. As boys grow up, an important factor in their development towards becoming a responsible and mature adult is by looking up to a female ideal and by trying to get a woman’s approval. First it is (ideally) their mother who sets boundaries and expectations, and later it’s the women they date who need to make it clear what they expect and what is a no-go.
Men know they need to please women because if they can’t, there is no sex and no procreation. This is all very biological and powerfully embedded: men need us to hold them to a high standard.
If we don’t, if we make it easy for them, a few things happen:
1) Men exploit our lack of standards; they do what is easy, fun and expedient (I get examples of this with my teenage son when I drop the ball).
2) They don’t respect us. And why would they? By being too nice we don’t respect ourselves either.
3) They stay boys, they keep playing the field, they don’t commit, they don’t grow up emotionally.
So what do we need to do to find a man to settle down with?
Attracting responsible, mature men
As women, it is our job to express in unmistakable terms what we need and expect from a man and we need to communicate this appropriately and effectively.
We need to be able to escalate our communication to make it fit the situation and we need to be prepared to walk away. For example:
- A man doesn’t hold doors open for you, but that’s what you expect and want. You say “Hey, I really like it when a man holds doors open for me, it makes me feel special and respected. Could you do that for me?”
If he’s interested in you and wants to make an effort to progress things, he will be delighted to know how to make you happy.
- You’ve been ghosted. At first, you might nudge him. You might give him a chance to get back to you and when he does, you ask for an explanation. You can add that you noticed that he didn’t do what he promised to do and then clearly state your need, e.g.: “Keeping promises and arrangements is really important to me. Can you in future please make an effort to get in touch as arranged? This goes towards building trust for me.” You keep observing and you act according to his behaviour. If things don’t change – you walk away.
You simply stay in integrity with yourself and you communicate with clarity – no shouting, complaining or hinting. And you know when you need to speak up because your intuition is letting you know, e.g. through irritation, disappointment or frustration.
When you’re practising self-care and acting with self-esteem you WILL attract a man who respects and values you for it.
Your perfect match wants to grow with you and you will be able to grow with him.
Attract an energetic match
The bottomline: develop a core of steel around your values, requirements and your self-respect. Men will notice it. They will feel that you are a woman they need to man up for. This will either make them run or it will attract them powerfully.
If you’re struggling to know your non-negotiables and stand up for them: join us in the Conscious Dating & Relating membership – for women who want to love deeply without losing themselves.