As a recovering people pleaser, I know what it means to place other people’s wants and needs before my own. A lot of time and energy can go into scanning our environment for clues what we can do for others and how to keep everyone happy and relaxed.
Why people pleasing is not pleasant
While this sounds positive and even desirable (where can be the harm in making others happy?), there is a whole bunch of issues that make up the dark side of people pleasing:
- Understanding what people want and need moment to moment can become very time- and energy-consuming. It’s exhausting to spend our days wondering: What else might I need to do to please them? What’s next?
- Trying to ensure other people’s comfort and wellbeing, the people pleasers among us monitor their own behaviour very carefully: better not do or say anything to rock the boat. The way we show up is not open, spontaneous and authentic – it’s guarded and defined by other people’s needs.
- All this effort is meant to make others happy, avoid conflict and ensure good relationships – but it’s never enough (or possible). Everyone still gets stressed, disagreements are part of life and relationships deteriorate when there is an imbalance and a lack of honesty.
- People pleasing is not as innocent as it seems. That’s because it has an agenda: I’m behaving a certain way so that you give me something in return. Trying to win someone’s love/ attention/ affection this way is not selfless, and the cost to our own health and well-being is high. Suppressing our own needs, feelings and opinions to please others leads to a build-up of resentment and frustration – especially when we don’t get what we were hoping for (and we never do).
The real cost of people pleasing
As long as we’re stuck in our people pleasing ways, it’s never our turn. When we’re focusing a lot of our attention and care on other people, we often attract those who take without giving (much) back. They might make some gestures or tell us things that create an illusion of care and support, but they don’t get invested the way we really need it. And that’s partly because we don’t ask.
The urge to people-please usually arises without us noticing and it becomes a pattern that we repeat in the hope that someone will eventually repay all our efforts – without us having to do the difficult thing of speaking up, showing who we really are and risking conflict.
This hope needs to die. We need to understand that people pleasing costs us – it doesn’t serve us. Focusing so much on others is a form of running away from ourselves. Our attention, energy and time goes elsewhere while our own needs stay neglected.
How to connect freely and and joyfully
How to make the shift then, from people pleasing to giving and serving others without resentment and exhaustion?
- Take time to understand your own needs and wants and express them. This sounds simple, but for someone who hasn’t done it in years (or ever), this requires real soul-searching and possibly support.
- Explore where your boundaries are, which needs are non-negotiable and where you’re flexible.
- Make it your mantra that you are no-one’s personal entertainer or problem-solver. Wait for people to come to you with a request and then decide carefully what you have the resources and desire to do – if anything.
- Practise saying no gracefully. Acknowledge any feelings of guilt, fear or shame that come up. Remind yourself that you want to be in relationships marked by mutual care, support and respect, which is impossible without good self-care and firm boundaries.
- Allow others to be stressed, irritated or otherwise put out without taking responsibility for their emotions. Your discomfort will lessen with practice and they are getting valuable opportunities to take responsibility for their own happiness.
Add Your Heading Text Here
Just to be clear: giving to others is not a bad thing in itself. But:
Why keep giving to people who didn’t ask for your input or take it for granted?
Why keep giving when you’re resentful and drained?
When we’re giving in order to be seen, loved and valued, it is no longer a selfless act; it is a misguided cry for love and attention with an unspoken agenda. There is a wound revealing itself that needs to be healed.
In a healthy relationship, we don’t need to prove our worth.
When we’re able to connect as true partners, giving feels good and it’s a heartfelt act of love and care for each other, not a strategy to get something in return.