We all love a good story, and when I tell you about some of the experiences I had on my dating path, I hope that you’ll be able to take something away from them. Maybe you will be inspired to avoid some of the mistakes I made!
It started on Tinder
Just like many singles out there I gave Tinder a go for some time, hoping that it would be an easy and fun way to connect with a lot of eligible single men looking for something lasting (- Tinder is not the best app for that, but that’s for another blog post).
One day I matched with someone who was in Warsaw on business; let’s call him James. We exchanged a few brief messages and agreed to meet up on a Friday night for a drink.
At first everything seemed great. We clicked immediately, he had chosen a classy place and the conversation flowed. In fact, we got on so well that we spontaneously decided to move on to a restaurant for dinner. At the end of a long evening, we were both clearly smitten with each other and, still stuck in my old ways, I already thought that our strong attraction meant we should be together.
He had to fly home the next day, but we both agreed that we wanted to see each other again. I was aware that living in different countries and having a child would put constraints around meeting and getting to know each other, but I was charmed, he was good-looking, intelligent and well-spoken. The rest would surely just work itself out!
After a day or two he texted me to confirm that he had booked a flight to Warsaw for Valentine’s weekend that was two weeks away… And I was on cloud 9! The excitement and the anticipation!
Going on the familiar rollercoaster
All this time, however, my old patterns were still there. Falling head over heels had happened a lot to me, but the extreme highs never lasted long and were usually followed by worry, fear, doubt and heartbreak. Spoiler alert: I hadn’t changed, and so this pattern hadn’t changed either.
After confirming that he’d booked his flights, James went silent. Two weeks went by without a single message. For someone as anxious and neurotic as I was: torture! And then the cycle repeated itself: we had a wonderful, romantic Valentine’s weekend that made me fall for him even harder… And then he left and there was silence.
I was tearing myself up trying to understand what was going on, feeling needy, insecure and hitting the bottom of the emotional rollercoaster. And then a postcard came sent from a long-distance trip he’d gone on… Which of course gave me hope again!
Noticing trouble in paradise
Eventually I couldn’t take it any more and decided to go and see him. However,… this time I realised that things were far from perfect and I paid attention to all the situations that made me feel uncomfortable – and there were many.
I already knew I wanted to be with a man who is generous, not just with money, but with his affection and attention. James insisted on splitting every bill, even when we had both just had one drink.
I had his attention only to a very limited extent; when we were out sightseeing together, there were periods when he just shut down and basically stopped talking.
He had very clear ideas of what he liked and wanted to do, and I got the sense that he wasn’t used to adjusting to anyone else.
At the end of this trip I flew home with a heavy heart. I had invested about three months of intensive emotion, wondering and worrying about this man and I was still very much emotionally attached to him, but I understood that we would never have the committed, deeply connected relationship that I wanted.
How right I was!
The turning point: getting clarity
Thanks to the coaching support I had at the time I understood that I needed a clean cut to be able to move on. I needed to make it clear for both of us that whatever we had wasn’t going anywhere and that we needed to go our separate ways.
As a personal meeting was difficult because of the distance, I worked up all my courage and called him. He reacted with surprise – I wanted a relationship? Really? – Yes! I did! And I was ready to say it out loud and to stand up for what I needed.
I consider this a key moment in my development: being clear about my needs, saying no to crumbs and actively looking for the commitment and love that I know to be ultimately fulfilling for me.
I have since leaned that the cycle I was stuck in with James is called submarining. Someone appears in your life to have a good time or to just engage you for a bit – and then they disappear again, until they’re ready to pop up one more time. The flip side (my part) that enables and feeds this pattern: people pleasing and a scarcity mindset.
One more thing: roughly at the time when I ended things with James I deleted Tinder because I realised that it was slowing me down in my search for a committed relationship.
This is a snapshot of my dating path… Where are you on yours? Are you ready to make a stand for your needs and desires in love?
Admitting what you really want to yourself and communicating it is essential. It means giving yourself and others the green light for the path that is yours and finding what you’re looking for.